27th October

There's saftey in being emotionally dettached. Trust me, I've been doing it for years and I learnt from the best. Dont play games with my head, you'll lose because I'll just simply learn not to care.
I will admit I do miss falling in love. How it used to catch me by suprise. Trip me over even when I thought I was well guarded. I seem to have a lot better control these days, or maybe I'm just not as sure this time. Have I given you the right sort of time to sweep me off my feet, or did we just start out this way? I think we may be starting to reach an agreement, though I feel like I've just been argueing with myself. I feel so ugly when I'm around you, as though I'm just not reaching what you're holding, despite me knowing how much better I am then you. So are we settled? Are we content? I'm not entirley sure what we're content with.

Oh to read minds! The logistics of it would make life almost pointless; because where would we be without the hours spent trying to decipher a word or a phrase, even just a look. What would we fill our minds with if we didnt have those hopeful thoughts, so strong they can almost delude us into thinking our fantasies really are coming true? Where would we be without the moments of clarity? Or the point where we realise all our efforts were in vain and there's nowhere left to go here? To read minds would make the game almost too easy and yet maybe even that little bit more painful because we cannot help where our hearts are drawn to. Unrequited love is not romantic, its a dilusion. To be too scared to enter into the dilusion is deprive yourself of an emotional beating, and where lies the courage in that?

So I feel like I know you asthetically and I love the touch of you're skin, but to know what really lies behind those eyes requires so much more doesn't it? I don't spend a single night lieing awake thinking about you, I dont hear a song and sing the words for you. It's been so long since I've done such a thing. Though sometimes you catch me on the way home, in a moment of mental abandonment, you creep inside and I make a concious decision to keep you there for a little while. When I compare how I feel around you to how I feel around the rest you reinforce my decision and I'm almost content with you there and only there. Sometimes I wish you'd just come kiss me on the shoulder like you do, but no feelings over power me I'd like to say I'll attach myself simply just to go along with the ride, just to see where this ends up but I won't. I can't shake how inferior I feel to every other girl around me when you're near.

Answer me one question please? When I know exactly what it is I want to ask you.