Time to clean this shit up! I have missed having a blog purely for the purposes of my writing but felt as though I'd filled it up with cheap venting of emotions that periodically brought me further down then I needed to be. So without cutting the ties and simply started a new blog I suppose I accept that that was then and this is now. Also there are a few posts I am quite proud of on this blog, though they are mostly the earlier ones. Many things have changed in the past few months and so have I, quite dramatically infact.

Watch this space.

4 months on, I am back blogger.

Today;

is the first day of the rest of my life. And so is tomorrow, and the next day and the next day and the next day. Come to think of it so was yesterday. I also recall it was some time last year.
So where does it really begin, and how do I know if I'm stuck yet or not?

You make me;

grind my teeth you stupid fucking prick!
No one has any idea just how much contempt I hold for things sometimes. I am not easily swayed, I'm not easily rocked and I blame myself when someone manages to knock me off my feet. I should be stronger, I should be tougher. All I have to do is wait for such times as my brain clicks into gear; for it switch over from wishing it had never happened, to wishing I had never met you full stop. I think i'm almost there. I've never wanted to hate someone so much in my life. I dont think you or anyone else will every understand how much you hurt me. I wish you knew, the last thing I want is for you to think I care. It's hard to change this mindset. It's hard to truely depict the events and the feelings through words. All I really want to do is break things. All I really want to do is punch you in the face until one of us cries!

The Treason in Trust

I've never felt so alone in my life. It's a shame really, these walls have to go up. I can feel them growing, stone hard. To think i'd let them down enough to let someone in enough to hurt me. I'm so distraut about so many things and yet ive allowed to time to sooth myself. Losing my best friend, losing one person I truely cared about for no reason; allowing myself to feel something for someone that deserved nothing at all.
I have an earge to disappear stronger then I ever have before. You can't trust anyone, not a single soul. Even someone you so playfully label as family, a peson you instill so much faith in, not even they can be trusted to stand by you.
I hate these people, more then anything.
I hate them and yet here I am.
It's scary to think that when I want to cry, for the life of me I cannot. I find myself gritting my teeth, takeing deep breaths and telling myself I don't give a fuck about anyone or anything.
It's been building. It has. Self control.

- 15th January.
A terrible night, a wonderful wake up call.

Black Balloon

Elevator straight into my skull
the escalator rises as it falls
i swear our jet is crashing in my mind
you can hold on but i wouldn't waste your time

farewell my black balloon
farewell my black balloon

i've stood in a thousand street scenes
just around the corner from you
on the edge of a dream that you have
has anybody ever told you, it's not coming true ?

farewell my black balloon
farewell my black balloon
farewell my black balloon
farewell my black balloon

Carousel

Oh glory

It's quite sad really, just how much I still love to hear your voice.
It's a shame really, if you asked me to come, I'd be there in a heart beat.
It makes you wonder really, do I just like getting hurt?
Strange really, that so easily I can say he has lost his potential.
Perfect really, but he has lost his potential to me.
You really, you never really disappear.
How appealing.

Scratch the tea, pour me some scotch

Final ramblings of 2009 -

24th December:

Dreams are images we create with our minds, and you dont have to be asleep to see them.

Cocaine sleeps are like being suspended in thin air, everything goes silent and its as though your body finally sucumbs to the earge to simply float away.

This year has gone by so quickly, yet the events make it seem so long. Perhaps its just the current sluggish state of my brain.
Santa comes tonight.


Further ramblings or life passing by through a waking dream (First fragments of 2010) -

1st January:

It's 2010

I want lighter hair
I want to wear my glasses more
I want my medusa pierced
I want to study my ass off
I want a job I enjoy
I want a gorgeous sweet boy who loves me and looks after me
I want stronger morals
I want a healthy diet
I want good honest friends
I want no part in stupid games
I want to do something meaningfull
I want success
I want happiness

Let us see how much I can tick off this on the 31st of December 2010