- This is a friendship I'll cherish forever.

Men fear death as children fear the dark.

Anxiety

"Strength is respected. Everyone has the right to be strong." - Black on White.

It's not always there. Sometimes I don't even know when it's there.
It starts in my stomach, when I can't keep my food down. And if I dont recognise it, it results in trips to the doctors trying to find out why I keep throwing up.
All tests are conclusive. I've bubbled over again.
Sometimes I think i've conquered it, i've figured out how to release the tension and then one day my stomach tightens up and I can't breath properley.
It's usually an aftermath. Once everything has died down, once I think I can deal with it; then the feelings I did not show erupt.

I could count on one hand the amount of times I have cried this year, and so these "attacks" seem to be a portal through my inability.

It's a terrible feeling. It's like losing control.

I've sat here feeling sick to my stomach with guilt, knowing a good friend of mine is in pain because of me. I've hid my face in my pillow, squeezing out tears to try and relieve myself; (because apparantly that makes you feel better. I've written letters, I've spoken words and still nothing is working.
I'm fighting off panic.
I've apologised though I've done nothing wrong.
I've apologised for feeling how I feel when no one should ever have to do that.
I've backed down from battles and let you win. I've tried to be selfless, I've tried to be selfish.

And yet you deprived me of all rights I had in our friendship.

You mean the world to me. I adore you. You are one of the few I whole heartedly enjoy, one of the few I trust with a word. One of the few I trust in general. I do love you. I do. I don't care if that's not right to say.

You called me fake in an attempt to hate me.
I call you unfair.

And yet, its unconditional.

Please be my friend.

Alison Mosshart

- I look like a woman but I...
Cut like a Buffalo

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.

-Rita Mae Brown

Embattled

We are all subject to betrayal. It is unfortunate but the truth is we are all snakes in the grass; it's human nature. It is irreparable yet inevitable in any relationship. Should we choose to accept this fact, forgive and cover the backs of a select few whom without we would suffer; we may find the battle a little easier to survive. Thus yielding contentment within our day to day lives. We are all guilty and yet we appear safe for one more day. Weed out those who bite you constantly, for life does not expect you to fullfill any obligation. It merely expects that you survive and that you do so well.

I'm too free;

I find it too easy to float through life day by day enjoying the time that is currently infront of me. I am trying desperatley to tie myself down to something for once, trying to do something with my life that will result in stability. My emotions are erratic and mind wanders, dwelling on visions, words and moments that distract me from productivity.

I am finding it difficult even still, after making the meaningful decision, to weigh myself down. It may come as a suprise that the one who is making it the most difficult is the one who has only ever pushed me to do something constructive with my life. I suppose, given the circumstances its actually not a big suprise after all.

For the first time in a long time I am actually interested in being in a relationship. I feel as though I need someone to keep me thinking realisticly. I need some security, I need someone to keep me grounded. I need perhaps the opposite to myself. I have found myself again as the end of this year draws closer. I have found myself in words and images; its nice. It is nice to be so eager to want to write something down or take a photo of the sunset. It is suprisingly comforting to be so aware of the mistakes I have made and the goals that I have in place. I find myself feeling less shallow, looking past asthetics and longing for someone I can have a decent conversation with and who likes to read books. Somebody with depth. Somebody with substance.

Sometimes I feel I might float away.

A Letter Of Apology

Dear...

2 hour showers, late night drives, cuddleing you under a blanket on a veranda in the early hours of the morning and reminiscing about when we were young and when we were together.

I was never really into it was I? I was never really there. I did not treat you how you deserved to be treated. Although you were far, very far from perfect I know you cared. You really thought I was something, thats what I remember. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I made things up to excuse how much I distanced myself from you. I'm sorry we did it once, just that one time after you'd waited so long to proove to me I was special. After you waited all that time to say "I love you". You tried so hard and I took you for granted. I got caught up and I lost touch with the reasons I fell for you in the first place. I'm sorry.
I loved it the other night. I loved being around you again. I loved saying "I remember..." and I loved hearing you say "what else do you remember?" I love how much has been unlocked inside my head now, how much I actually do remember.
You know I used to look back on our relationship as a bad one. Truth is the good far outweighed the bad. It was cut short and that was my fault . I can't forget the conspiracies, the things I still dont know were true or not. I can't forget you throwing cans at me and I can't forget the cigarette burns, but we've both grown up now. I find myself remembering all the reasons why I chose you in the first place. There was just always something about you. There always will be, I can't deny you're one of the more significant ones.

So here's my letter of apology, I hope it finds you well. One day maybe you'll get to read it; until then I hope I see you again soon. I'm expecting that I will.

Regards.

Daddy.

I had a dream about my dad last night. He wanted to send me away for two months to 'fix' me because I supposedly had so many things wrong with me. Mum was going to let him, can't forget that part. In my dream there was a room of young girls in white dresses danceing around in circles. I was the only one not danceing I merely stood in the corner and watched. Eventually I broke down, I started screaming and crying asking Dad why he was doing this to me. In my dream I told him everything. I asked him why no matter how hard I tried I would never be good for him. He let me stay but it was conditional... as always.

Dreams are amazing, at times so accurate amd so very symbolic. Dad and I will never be right. He has perpetually destroyed a part of me I never ever got the chance to meet. In a way though, like mum says, its lucky I never really bonded with him or I would have never had a chance.

I see Khadija with me.

I know you're smart but you're not superior. You're missing something every human being should have, infact needs to function properley. It's scary. You assume so much about me because you don't know me. There's a wall between us. As much as i'd love to knock it down it needs to stay there, for my own safety. You'd drown me.

A beautiful day

I had the most beautiful day today. I forgot how nice it is to be by yourself.

I was up early to get a few things done. I then caught the train into the city early so that I could take my time wandering around before I met my director from the last term at STS for coffee at Railway Square. The weather was perfect as I sat and learned more about a person who I suspect has lead an extremley interesting life. He created an image for me which he once experienced himself. A woman... his lover, in a white lace dress sitting in the middle of a sun room, burning love letters from her past. It belongs in a movie.
I am so lucky to have such a mentour. I am happy to buy him a flat white any day!

I then discovered my new favourite bookstore, 'Basement Books'. Upto 90% off normal retail prices. I bought a new book to add to my 'too read' pile then a bubble tea and slowly made my way back home on the train. I finally finished my Gordon Livingston book, I'm still amazed, that book will stay with me for life.

After being home for a while I took Lily for a twilight run around the new development at the back of Pitt Town. There's something eerie about perfectly paved streets and paths, stylised gardens and huge big empty houses. After yoga I had several messages from people I havn't spoken to in such a long time.

I am now enjoying a cup of soup for dinner.

A truely simple yet beautiful day.