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Oh glory

It's quite sad really, just how much I still love to hear your voice.
It's a shame really, if you asked me to come, I'd be there in a heart beat.
It makes you wonder really, do I just like getting hurt?
Strange really, that so easily I can say he has lost his potential.
Perfect really, but he has lost his potential to me.
You really, you never really disappear.
How appealing.

Scratch the tea, pour me some scotch

Final ramblings of 2009 -

24th December:

Dreams are images we create with our minds, and you dont have to be asleep to see them.

Cocaine sleeps are like being suspended in thin air, everything goes silent and its as though your body finally sucumbs to the earge to simply float away.

This year has gone by so quickly, yet the events make it seem so long. Perhaps its just the current sluggish state of my brain.
Santa comes tonight.


Further ramblings or life passing by through a waking dream (First fragments of 2010) -

1st January:

It's 2010

I want lighter hair
I want to wear my glasses more
I want my medusa pierced
I want to study my ass off
I want a job I enjoy
I want a gorgeous sweet boy who loves me and looks after me
I want stronger morals
I want a healthy diet
I want good honest friends
I want no part in stupid games
I want to do something meaningfull
I want success
I want happiness

Let us see how much I can tick off this on the 31st of December 2010

- This is a friendship I'll cherish forever.

Men fear death as children fear the dark.

Anxiety

"Strength is respected. Everyone has the right to be strong." - Black on White.

It's not always there. Sometimes I don't even know when it's there.
It starts in my stomach, when I can't keep my food down. And if I dont recognise it, it results in trips to the doctors trying to find out why I keep throwing up.
All tests are conclusive. I've bubbled over again.
Sometimes I think i've conquered it, i've figured out how to release the tension and then one day my stomach tightens up and I can't breath properley.
It's usually an aftermath. Once everything has died down, once I think I can deal with it; then the feelings I did not show erupt.

I could count on one hand the amount of times I have cried this year, and so these "attacks" seem to be a portal through my inability.

It's a terrible feeling. It's like losing control.

I've sat here feeling sick to my stomach with guilt, knowing a good friend of mine is in pain because of me. I've hid my face in my pillow, squeezing out tears to try and relieve myself; (because apparantly that makes you feel better. I've written letters, I've spoken words and still nothing is working.
I'm fighting off panic.
I've apologised though I've done nothing wrong.
I've apologised for feeling how I feel when no one should ever have to do that.
I've backed down from battles and let you win. I've tried to be selfless, I've tried to be selfish.

And yet you deprived me of all rights I had in our friendship.

You mean the world to me. I adore you. You are one of the few I whole heartedly enjoy, one of the few I trust with a word. One of the few I trust in general. I do love you. I do. I don't care if that's not right to say.

You called me fake in an attempt to hate me.
I call you unfair.

And yet, its unconditional.

Please be my friend.

Alison Mosshart

- I look like a woman but I...
Cut like a Buffalo