Anxiety

"Strength is respected. Everyone has the right to be strong." - Black on White.

It's not always there. Sometimes I don't even know when it's there.
It starts in my stomach, when I can't keep my food down. And if I dont recognise it, it results in trips to the doctors trying to find out why I keep throwing up.
All tests are conclusive. I've bubbled over again.
Sometimes I think i've conquered it, i've figured out how to release the tension and then one day my stomach tightens up and I can't breath properley.
It's usually an aftermath. Once everything has died down, once I think I can deal with it; then the feelings I did not show erupt.

I could count on one hand the amount of times I have cried this year, and so these "attacks" seem to be a portal through my inability.

It's a terrible feeling. It's like losing control.

I've sat here feeling sick to my stomach with guilt, knowing a good friend of mine is in pain because of me. I've hid my face in my pillow, squeezing out tears to try and relieve myself; (because apparantly that makes you feel better. I've written letters, I've spoken words and still nothing is working.
I'm fighting off panic.
I've apologised though I've done nothing wrong.
I've apologised for feeling how I feel when no one should ever have to do that.
I've backed down from battles and let you win. I've tried to be selfless, I've tried to be selfish.

And yet you deprived me of all rights I had in our friendship.

You mean the world to me. I adore you. You are one of the few I whole heartedly enjoy, one of the few I trust with a word. One of the few I trust in general. I do love you. I do. I don't care if that's not right to say.

You called me fake in an attempt to hate me.
I call you unfair.

And yet, its unconditional.

Please be my friend.